Joshua
by Kalera I. McTierney
Summary: Sometimes, Esme Cullen could only see him when she looked at her granddaughter.


**Disclaimer****: **None of the Twilight characters belong to me. Of course, the Twilight Saga belongs to Stephanie Meyer (with the complete and utter epic fail that was Breaking Dawn, I hope that she should take a seriously long break from writing) and are published in the US by Little, Brown, and Company. Since I have taken the time to write this disclaimer, there is no logical reason to sue.

_**A/N**_**:** Originally written for the 'Consummation' thread on Amazon's Breaking Dawn forums, I've decided to move this here as a potential 'peek into the future' of my "One" story here. I still plan on writing a novel length sequel to it but considering the writing burden I'm already under, it's probably going to be a long way coming. :)

As usual. thanks for reading and feel free to leave a review.

* * *

"**Joshua"**

"Grandma! Where are you?"

I nearly dropped the pan of lasagna I was gingerly pulling out of the oven at my 'seven' year old granddaughter's loud scream. No matter how many times I told her that it was unladylike behavior, she continued to yell like a demented banshee whenever she came in the house. _Must be Jacob's influence…_

"In the kitchen, sweetheart." I called out, placing the pan on top of the counter to cool off.

Renesmee Cullen came scrambling into the kitchen moments later, loose bronze curls flying behind her. Looking around, confused, for a moment, she gave me a blinding smile before rushing into my waiting arms for a hug. "Hi, Nessie. How was your first day of school?" I asked, dropping a kiss on top of her head before releasing her.

"Fine." Renesmee replied, practically bouncing on her heels in her excitement." The teacher made us learn each other's names and then we were sorted into small groups for reading exercises. I was lucky; I was put into a group with Elijah. But then I got sad when we got separated when the teacher put us into separate groups for math. That really sucked; the teacher said that it was because we could make more friends that way. But then I got happy again after lunch….I was able to stay with Elijah for the rest of the day."

A smile crossed my face at the mention of little Elijah Clearwater, Leah's six year old adopted son. Orphaned at a year old when his parents, the last two members of a pack that happened to be moving through the area died, Elijah officially became part of the Clearwater clan last year. Completely unconcerned about being a single parent, it was clear as day that Elijah was Leah's entire world. All things considered, I admired greatly her for taking a child when she, herself, was still so very young. _I guess she figured that he would be her only chance…_

"I'm sure that you can't wait to tell your mother about your day." I said, smiling at her.

"Oh, I already did…I talked her ear off the whole way here. She picked me up from school. Is Daddy or Uncle Jacob supposed to come and pick me up?"

Edward and Bella had divorced, amicably, three years ago. To this day, I'm still puzzled as to why it ended so peacefully, considering that Edward had been embroiled in a love affair with Jacob Black barely before they had even cleared their first year anniversary. To the majority of the family, Bella would have been well within her rights to never allow Edward to see Nessie again. Shoot, Rosalie had even taken Bella's side in the whole debacle; even today, Edward and Rosalie's relationship still hadn't completely recovered.

No, Bella had shown true class in how she handled herself. She and Edward had settled on a joint custody agreement and now Nessie split her time between Bella's home in the neighboring town and Edward and Jacob's place down the road from here.

When Nessie started preschool, both Edward and Bella started to pursue interests outside of the home. Bella had went through community college and started her current career as a paralegal while Edward used one of his many doctorate degrees to become the Professor of Music at the local university. Jacob began a carpentry apprenticeship just last year and usually, didn't come home early enough to watch over Nessie.

Hence, afternoons and early evenings were spent here and honestly, I didn't mind in the least. She was probably going to be the only granddaughter that I ever had and I adored her to pieces. Snapping out of my musings, I reached out and brushed a hand against her head. "I believe your father's supposed to but I'm not entirely sure, sweetheart." I replied, opening the fridge and pulling out Nessie's usual afterschool snacks. "Do you have any homework to do?"

Nessie scrunched her face as if she was tempted to lie but then she nodded. "Yes, we have three math and two reading worksheets to do." A pout crossed over her face. "They are really easy, though. Can't I wait until after the cartoons go off? Then I'll do them, I promise…"

"You know the rules, Nessie. No TV until after your homework is done." I gave her a smile, remembering her shenanigans last year when she lied directly to my face for weeks and said that she didn't have any, in order to watch TV. Neither Bella nor Edward were thrilled when they were called in for PT conferences and Nessie ended up grounded more often not. "If they are so easy, you should be able to get them done quickly. Go ahead in the family room, take your snacks, and get it done. Call me if you need some help."

"Yes, Grandma." Nessie muttered, in a long suffering tone of voice. Handing her the sandwich and a pouch of juice, a crushing longing over what I could have had swept over me as I watched her stroll out of the kitchen, grumbling under her breath about the total unfairness of it all. As time passed, it didn't come over me all that often but when it did, it came with a vengeance that was enough to make me want to curl up and hide away from the world.

Sometimes when I looked at her….it was all I could do not to see _him_.

* * *

_Joshua Isaiah Platt Evenson._

_Born August 8, 1921._

_Died August 12, 1921._

_My son._

_Torn from my arms by the cruelest of Fates, I never had a chance to get to really know him. Time hasn't dulled what I do remember, though; smaller than a loaf of bread, he had short tufts of dark brown hair, dark grey eyes, and blotchy, pale skin. Two months early because of my inopportune fall down the flight of stairs of our new home, he barely cried...fighting to pull breath in his fragile, little body. He barely moved in acknowledgement of my voice or even the faintest of touches from the nurses when they took him back to what is commonly referred to now as the Pediatric ICU._

_But I saw what I so desperately wanted to ... my beloved son, a baby that was the catalyst of my decision to desert my terrible husband. I wanted to make sure that I gave him the life that he deserved; one full of life, love, and laughter instead of misery, fear, and horrible memories. I had just gotten a teaching job, one that I wanted for the longest time, and knew that it would be possible for us to make our way through life…just the two of us._

_That terrible morning when the nurses had come into my room and told me that Joshua had passed away in a fitful sleep, I was utterly destroyed. All of my dreams, all of my hopes for him... shattered because of complications of a lung infection that they couldn't heal in time. I spent weeks after that in a mindless haze; making arrangements for his burial, hearing condolences from friends...just drifting, aimlessly._

_Without him, I felt lost and utterly alone. I knew what awaited me if I decided to go back to Charles and my own family had long since passed away. Nobody would notice my absence ... nobody would care if I disappeared. So, in my abject misery and despair, I made the decision that would forever change the trajectory of my life._

_But I didn't know that at the time._

_All I knew was that I wanted to be with Joshua ... finally at peace._

_I threw myself off of the cliff, intending to end it all. Who would have thought that Fate or Destiny, as one may call it, would have intervened in the form of Dr. Carlisle Cullen ... the man that had healed my leg after my foolish climb up an old, brittle tree on the family farm and the man who left the area soon afterward, taking my young heart with him?_

_I know that I had no idea ... but I'm grateful, nonetheless_

_C*C*C_

_  
A mere six years after his death, I was somewhat at peace and content with my life ... more than I ever dreamed possible. When Carlisle told me of what he was and what he had done soon after changing me; yes, I was absolutely furious. Fear of the situation, let alone him, never came into the equation; I was more upset that he had thwarted me from what I wanted to do ... what I thought was best._

_My long - simmering feelings for him helped me to move past my anger and as I got to know him better and him me, we fell in love and eventually `married'. It was an added bonus once I got to know Edward, his prior companion; in so many ways, he seemed as lost as I had been and my heart couldn't help but reach out to him._

_Here at my family's old farm on the outskirts of Cleveland, under the starry night sky, I had come to say goodbye to my son. We had already been in the general area for four years and it was Carlisle's opinion that it was time for the three of us to move on. I understood why, logically, of course; we risked someone finding out the truth the longer we remained in one area but emotionally, I was tied to this spot ...my son's grave was here._

_I didn't want to leave him._

_Out of my immediate family, I had always been the closest to my grandmother. When Joshua had passed away fifteen years after her own death, the spot right next to her was the most logical place in which to place him. Looking down at them both, a tight band of emotion threatened to choke me; if it were possible, I'm sure that tears would have been sliding down my cheeks at that moment. My hopes and dreams of a past life lay in his grave and it felt as though it was hitting me all over again. I clenched my hands against my sides, trying to regain some control of myself..._

_Since almost always when they can tell that I'm upset, both Carlisle and Edward moved silently from behind me. They had both stayed a respectable distance away; knowing that in this moment, I needed privacy. In Edward's case, it was also probably because he had picked up some strange superstition about gravesites from somewhere and was having some trouble shaking it off. No words spoken by either of them, Edward reached out and squeezed my hand gently just as Carlisle pulled me into a side hug before handing me the vase of flowers he was holding._

_I had loved to play among the flowers when I was a young child, so a large black vase stuffed full of the flowers of the months we were born, red sword lilies for Joshua and purple irises for me, was a fitting gesture. As I placed the vase upon the grave, I couldn't help but reach out and brushed my fingers along the soft petals of the flowers. So beautiful...just as my son had been._

_"Would you like to still leave this here, my love?" Carlisle asked, holding out a jewelry box. I took it from him gently and opened it; it was an old silver, heart shaped locket of mine with a picture of me in my late teens in it. Surprisingly, it hadn't been taken away from me when I had been rolled into the morgue those years ago and I've been hesitant to get rid of it ever since then. But now...now, for some reason, I felt as though it was finally time._

_I took it out of the box, pressed a gentle kiss against it, and tied it so while that it wouldn't be lying on the grave itself, it would be hanging against the vase. I admired the bright glow of the locket against the vase for a while there; wishing that I could just stay there forever. But I knew that I couldn't ... Joshua was at peace, on to the next great adventure and while I wished that I could hold on to him forever, it was time to let go._

_"It's time for me to go, sweetheart." I breathed, kissing the tips of my fingers before placing it against the grave. "I will love you for the rest of my days. Perhaps, I will see you on the other side. At least, I hope so. Sweetheart, my precious baby boy, forever and always..."_

_I stood up and looked down upon the graves once more, feeling at peace once more. "Grandmother," I asked, smiling gently at my grandmother's grave, "just watch over him until I get there. I would gladly appreciate it."_

_Almost as though she somehow got the message, a hard gust of wind lifted my hair clear off of my shoulders. That, even though it was probably just a random event, reassured me more than I could ever express into words. A smile on my face, I reached out and grabbed both Edward's and Carlisle's hands._

_"Now, it is time for us to go."_

_As we walked away, I could have sworn that I hear a child's soft gurgle of laughter._

_"Rest in peace, Joshua."_

* * *

"Daddy! Grandpa!"

Renesmee's loud greeting and something …more than likely, a vase that I had just recently replaced, crashing to the floor snapped me out of my morbid thoughts. Annoyed frustration obviously evident in his tone, I could hear Edward chastise Nessie for being so loud. Like me, I guess he knew that it was a futile effort but of course, that didn't ever stop him from trying. Nessie must have something amusing because Carlisle choked back a laugh while Edward said something that I couldn't quite catch in return.

"Where is your Grandmother, Nessie?"

"Kitchen, Grandpa."

Nessie had obviously tripped over the edge of the carpet because there was another crash and Edward's barely muffled curse. "Sorry, Daddy. Hey, let me show you the picture me and Elijah drew…"

Before I could even make a move to make sure that she was okay, Carlisle walked into the kitchen with his hand up, telling me that everything was fine. I guess I couldn't hide my emotions fast enough for him because a sad smile crossed his face. Walking up to me, he reached out only to pull me into a hard hug. "You're thinking about him again, aren't you?" he muttered against the top of my head.

There was no point in lying; Carlisle knew me just as well as I knew myself. "Yes. Sometimes, I just ----."

"Somewhere, in your heart, you wish that things were different. That he had lived…that we hadn''t in a lot of ways. You could be looking down from above; smiling happily at your human descendants, instead of spending what may seem to be an eternity worrying about a granddaughter that is forever going to be stuck in between worlds."

I closed my eyes with shame at how matter of fact about it all he sounded…how that must have hurt for him to say that." But--."

"There's no need for you to feel guilty about how you feel. He's your family…we're your family." Carlisle said, lifting my head with a finger before dropping a kiss on my forehead. "You will always to be able to have us both."

As I stood there, cradled in the love of my life's arms while listening to Nessie's peals of laughter, I realized once more that even though time wouldn't ever lessen the pain of my loss, sometimes it was okay to let myself be both happy and sad at my circumstances. It was okay to let myself see my son whenever I looked at Renesmee Carlie…as long as I let him go to where he truly belonged once more.

_You're forever a part of me, Joshua._


End file.
